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A Gentle Spirit  性格温柔的女人-A Gentle Spirit

Is it not so? Is it likely? Can one really say it was possible? What for, why did this woman die?

可难道不是吗?难道这是真的吗?难道说这可能吗?为什么,这个女人为什么,因为什么死去呢?

Oh, believe me, I understand, but why she dies is still a question. She was frightened of my love, asked herself seriously whether to accept it or not, could not bear the question and preferred to die. I know, I know, no need to rack my brains: she had made too many promises, she was afraid she could not keep them - it is clear. There are circumstances about it quite awful.

啊,请您相信,我明白,但是她为什么而死,这仍然是个问题。她害怕我的爱,她曾经认真地问过自己:接受还是不接受我的爱,她经不住这一问,所以宁愿死去。我知道,我知道,不必再去伤脑筋了:她答应给的太多,显然是怕还不了。这里有几件非常可怕的事情。

For why did she die? That is still a question, after all. The question hammers, hammers at my brain. I would have left her like that if she had wanted to remain like that. She did not believe it, that's what it was! No - no. I am talking nonsense, it was not that at all. It was simply because with me she had to be honest - if she loved me, she would have had to love me altogether, and not as she would have loved the grocer. And as she was too chaste, too pure, to consent to such love as the grocer wanted she did not want to deceive me. Did not want to deceive me with half love, counterfeiting love, or a quarter love. They are honest, too honest, that is what it is! I wanted to instil breadth of heart in her, in those days, do you remember? A strange idea.

因为她为什么而死,仍然是个问题。这个问题一直在敲击着,敲击着我的脑袋。如果她愿意这样下去,我是会让她这样下去的。问题是她不相信这个!不,不,我在撒谎,根本不是这样的。只不过应该对我诚实;要爱就全爱,不能像对待那个商人那样。因为太贞洁,太洁白,不同意商人所需要的那种爱,所以她不想欺骗我。她不想在爱的幌子下半心半意地爱我,或者给我四分之一的爱。她太老实了,就是这么回事!您记得吗,我当时想开阔她的心胸?这是一个奇怪的想法。

It is awfully interesting to know: did she respect me or not? I don't know whether she despised me or not. I don't believe she did despise me. It is awfully strange: why did it never once enter my head all the winter that she despised me? I was absolutely convinced of the contrary up to that moment when she looked at me with stern surprise. Stern it was. I understood once for all, for ever! Ah, let her, let her despise me all her life even, only let her be living! Only yesterday she was walking about, talking. I simply can't understand how she threw herself out of window! And how could I have imagined it five minutes before? I have called Lukerya. I won't let Lukerya go now for anything!

非常好奇的是:她尊重我吗?我不知道她是不是看不起我?我不认为她看不起我。非常奇怪的是:为什么在整整一个冬季里,我脑子里一次也没有想过她看不起我呢?我绝对相信,直到她带着·严·厉·的·惊·讶·神·情望我为止,情况恰恰相反。她当时正是带着惊讶的神情。这时我马上明白了:她是蔑视我的。我无可挽回地,一辈子明白了!哎呀,让她看不起吧,即便一辈子看不起也没关系,但是应该让她活着、活着呀!前不久她还能走路、说话。我完全不明白她怎么会跳窗!即便在五分钟以前,我怎么能料想得到呢?我把卢凯里娅叫来。我现在无论如何也不放她走了,无论如何也不放!

Oh, we might still have understood each other! We had simply become terribly estranged from one another during the winter, but couldn't we have grown used to each other again? Why, why, couldn't we have come together again and begun a new life again? I am generous, she was too - that was a point in common! Only a few more words, another two days - no more, and she would have understood everything.

啊,我们还是可以和好如初的。我们只是在冬天才疏远的,但是,难道不能再次亲近吗?为什么,为什么我们不能走到一起,又开始新生活呢?我是心地宽宏的,她也是如此。所以才有结合点嘛!只要再说几句话,最多再过两天,她就会全明白的。

What is most mortifying of all is that it is chance - simply a barbarous, lagging chance. That is what is mortifying! Five minutes, only five minutes too late! Had I come five minutes earlier, the moment would have passed away like a cloud, and it would never have entered her head again. And it would have ended by her understanding it all. But now again empty rooms, and me alone. Here the pendulum is ticking; it does not care, it has no pity. . . . There is no one - that's the misery of it!

最令人伤心的是:所有这一切纯属偶然——一个简单、野蛮、落后的偶然事件。这就是叫人伤心的地方!总共只有五分钟,总共我只迟到五分钟!如果我早回来五分钟——那一煞那间就会像烟云一样,一掠而过,她的脑袋以后就永远不会出现寻死的念头。结果她就会了解一切的。可现在又是人去楼空,又是我孤零零地一个人了。你看,钟摆还在滴答作响,它什么都不管,什么人也不怜恤。什么人也没有了,这才叫人伤心呢!

I keep walking about, I keep walking about. I know, I know, you need not tell me; it amuses you, you think it absurd that I complain of chance and those five minutes. But it is evident. Consider one thing: she did not even leave a note, to say, "Blame no one for my death," as people always do. Might she not have thought that Lukerya might get into trouble. "She was alone with her," might have been said, "and pushed her out." In any case she would have been taken up by the police if it had not happened that four people, from the windows, from the lodge, and from the yard, had seen her stand with the ikon in her hands and jump out of herself.

我走来走去,老是走来走去。我知道,知道,您不必提醒:我抱怨偶然,抱怨迟到五分钟,您觉得可笑,是吗?但是,您要知道,这是非常明显的事实。您只要想一想:她连个字条都没有留下,比如说:“我的死,您不要责怪任何人”之类的字条,一般的人,都是会留下的。难道她没有想到人家甚至会怀疑卢凯里娅呢:“她一个人同她在一起,说不定是她把她推下去的呢!”要不是这家院子里有四个人从院子里,从厢房里看见她两手捧着一座圣像,自己纵身下跳的话,人们很可能会怀疑是卢凯里娅作案的。

But that, too, was a
chance, that te people were standing there and saw her. No, it was all a moment, only an irresponsible moment. A sudden impulse, a fantasy! What if she did pray before the ikon? It does not follow that she was facing death. The whole impulse lasted, perhaps, only some ten minutes; it was all decided, perhaps, while she stood against the wall with her head on her arm, smiling. The idea darted into her brain, she turned giddy and – and could not resist it.

但是,您要知道,这是一次偶然事件,有人站在那里,亲眼看见了的。不,这一切都是一煞那的冲动,只是一煞那无名的冲动。突发的幻想!至于她在圣像前祷告,那又是怎么一回事呢?这并不意味着是死前的征兆。这一时的冲动最多不过持续十来分钟,所有的决定,正是她站在墙旁、脑袋靠在手上,脸上露出微笑的时候作出的。一个想法飞进了她的脑袋,弄得她昏头昏脑,她支持不住,就跳窗了。

Say what you will, it was clearly misunderstanding. It could have been possible to live with me. And what if it were anaemia? Was it simply from poorness of blood, from the flagging of vital energy? She had grown tired during the winter, that was what it was. . . .

如同您所想的,这显然是一个误会。同我在一起她还是可以生活的。即便贫血,那又算得了什么呢?这难道只是因为贫血,因为精力衰竭吗?她在冬天感到非常疲倦,这倒是事实……

I was too late ! ! !

我到晚了!!!

How thin she is in her coffin, how sharp her nose has grown! Her eyelashes lie straight as arrows. And, you know, when she fell, nothing was crushed, nothing was broken! Nothing but that "handful of blood." A dessertspoonful, that is. From internal injury. A strange thought: if only it were possible not to bury her? For if they take her away, then . . . oh, no, it is almost incredible that they take her away! I am not mad and I am not raving - on the contrary, my mind was never so lucid - but what shall I do when again there is no one, only the two rooms, and me alone with the pledges? Madness, madness, madness! I worried her to death, that is what it is!

她躺在棺材里,显得多么细小,鼻子有多尖啊!她的眼睫毛象一支支的利箭。要知道她摔下来什么也没摔破!只出了“一小滩血!”就那么一小调羹的血!内脏受到震动。我出现了一个奇怪的想法:如果可以不葬呢?因为如果不把她抬走,那就……啊,抬走几乎是不可能的!啊,我也知道,她是应该抬走的,我不是疯子,我根本不是在说胡话,恰恰相反,我的头脑比任何时候都清醒。可是家里没有一个人,只有两间空房,又是只有我和一些典当品。梦呓、梦呓,这才是真正的梦呓!是我把她折磨死的,就是这么回事。

What are your laws to me now? What do I car for your customs, your morals, your life, your state, your faith! Let your judge judge me, let me be brought before your court, let me be tried by jury, and I shall say that I admit nothing. The judge will shout, "Be silent, officer." And I will shout to him, "What power have you now that I will obey? Why did blind, inert force destroy that which was dearest of all? What are your laws to me now? They are nothing to me."

现在对我来说,您们的法律算得了什么呢?我要你们的风俗、你们的习惯、你们的生活、你们的国家、你们的信仰干什么呢?让你们的法官来审判我,让他们把我带到法庭上去,带到你们公开审判的法庭上去吧,我会说我什么也不承认。法官会大喝一声:“闭嘴,军官!”可我会对着他叫喊:“你们哪里有力量使我心悦诚服?为什么让黑暗的落后势力粉碎了最可宝贵的东西?现在我为什么要服从你们的法律?我已经分裂出去了。”啊,我什么也不在乎!

Oh, I don't care! She was blind, blind! She is dead, she does not hear! You do not know with what paradise I would have surrounded you. There was paradise in my soul, I would have made it blossom around you! Well, you wouldn't have loved me - so be it, what of it? Things should still have been like that, everything should have remained like that. You should only have talked to me as a friend – we could have rejoiced and laughed with joy looking at one another. And so we should have lived. And if you had loved another - well, so be it, so be it! You should have walked with him laughing, and I should have watched you from the other side of the street. . . . Oh, anything, anything, if only she would open her eyes just once! For one instant, only one! If she would look at me as she did this morning, when she stood before me and made a vow to be a faithful wife! Oh, in one look she would have understood it all!

你盲目、盲目!你死了,听不见了!你不知道,我同你隔着一个什么样的天堂。我的天堂在我的心里,我要把它放在你的周围!好啦,你不爱我,不爱就不爱吧,那又算得了什么呢?一切都应该·这·样,一切都让它·这·样吧。不过,你得像对朋友那样,对我说:我们现在该高兴啦,我们要相互望着眼睛,高高兴兴地笑。我们本应该这样生活。如果您爱上了另一个人,好,你就爱去吧!你该跟着他走,同他一起笑,我会从街道的一旁望的。……啊,我什么都不在乎,只要她能睁开眼睛,那怕是一次也好!睁开一会儿,只要睁开一会儿!看看我,就像前不久站在我面前,发誓要成为我忠实的妻子那样!啊,她只要望一眼就什么都会明白的!

Oh, blind force! Oh, nature! Men are alone on earth - that is what is dreadful! "Is there a living man in the country?" cried the Russian hero. I cry the same, though I am not a hero, and no one answers my cry. They say the sun gives life to the universe. The sun is rising and – look at it, is it not dead? Everything is dead and everywhere there are dead. Men are alone - around them is silence - that is the earth! "Men, love one another" - who said that? Whose commandment is that? The pendulum ticks callously, heartlessly. Two o'clock at night. Her little shoes are standing by the little bed, as though waiting for her. . . . No, seriously, when they take her away tomorrow, what will become of me?

落后的力量!啊,大自然!大地上只有人,这就是灾难的所在!“田野上有活人吗?”一个俄罗斯大力士在叫喊。我也在叫喊,我不是大力士,没人来应。据说,太阳可以使宇宙万物复苏。太阳一升起,请您看看它吧,难道它不是死的?一切都是死的,到处都是死人。只有人,而人的周围是一片沉默,这就是大地!“人啊,你们相爱吧!”这话是谁说的?这是谁的遗训?钟摆在滴答,毫无感情,令人讨厌。已是午夜两点。她的鞋子摆在床边,好像在等她回来……不,说真的,明天人们把她抬走以后,我怎么办呢?

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